I turn to you
by Reinamarie Seregon
Summary: When Tomo is hurt on a mission, Soi and Suboshi provide unexpected help. Tomo discovers that he can have friends.
1. Prologue

I TURN TO YOU  
  
REVISED VERSION OF STORY I DID PREVIOUSLY. SOI AND SUBOSHI AND TOMO ARE CAPABLE OF BECOMING FRIENDS. THEY ARE DEFINITELY ABLE TO!  
  
ONE:  
  
[SUBOSHI]  
  
I open my eyes seeing nothing but darkness. Then I remember the devastating truth. Aniki, aniki why can' I feel your chi anymore come back! Come back! Please don't scare me! Please! My tears come though I will them away.  
  
"Hey Suboshi."  
  
"Um Soi-san I'm fine. Ow! Damnit, my head hurts. What happened?"  
  
"Tomo and I were strolling in the gardens when we saw your head this close to hitting the ground so we saved you." I manage a weak smile when she presses my head down on the pillows. I'm gonna wait till she left before I relax into cry-mode again. Aniki tells me tnever to be so undignified as to cry in front of others. Where is this? The moonlight shines its light upon the floor through the windows in nettings. A figure is seated there. "Who- who are you?"  
  
How can Soi leave me alone here with a stranger? I am scared! Help me. The figure stirs slightly, stretching. "Just go to sleep Suboshi. You need rest," an answer that is extremely crisp. My mind registers. Could-could this be Tomo?  
  
"Who else? Go back to sleep." He sounds disturbed and sleepy.  
  
I get up forgetting my headache and step on the cold floor. I decline saying it's not my room and I had better return to my own room. He rises as well, walking into the light. What------what's this? Where is the painted face gone? The headdress? It's not Tomo, he must be an imposter. A very good one. The man looks young, like me and aniki, his pure silvery hair racing down shoulders like a waterfall flowing forever, unblemished skin paler than ours. He is so perfect and unscarred.  
  
"Tomo san, how can you be like that? It's not-----" feeling light until he firmly seats his hands on my shoulders, steering me onto the bed again. I notice the bed has a cleaner and nicer smell than ours. It's tempting to sleep here.  
  
"Don't argue with me, child. I can sleep away from bed, but you who has not slept well on your own need company.. rest here. And it IS very cold outside. " I keep quiet a while until I hear his soft gentle breathing.  
  
"Arigatou Tomo san. You saved me from hurting. Can you do me another favour?" He leans over me with a simple expression of calm. Rare.  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"Don't be angry at me. Tell me you won't be----"  
  
"Ne Suboshi. What?" I tell him. He smiles and kisses my forehead. I snuggle down. He drags the chair beside me and settles backwards.  
  
[TOMO]  
  
Damn I can't find it! The special paint to finish off my touches. Gold for harmony. The raps haven't ceased. "WAIT a moment will you? I'm busy!" I frown at myself in the mirror and straighten the feathers which are just a teeny crooked. Oh well have to do without it.  
  
"It's you Soi." I can't help the distaste in my voice. After all I'm an expert performer, cynical in the daytime my most unhappy moment. She is dressed exposingly.  
  
"I've been looking all over for my face cream, suppose You're innocent. But you're the only person vain enough to use face cream."  
  
"Your cream? Ha, it's got all your dirty marks in it, why should I be guilty of that? And I'm no thief. Disturbing me so early like this."  
  
"Oh yeah, you'd be capable of anything. And man using cream for his face," she replies. We continue sparring with each other until Nakago is spoted. I prepare to receive him, while the slut already squirms up to him and coos. They keep speaking until the cows come---no, until I clear my throat. "Ohayo Nakago sama," I greet him, looking him in the eye. Soi runs off. I am so close I can almost touch him but not quite. He gives me a free morning. I press him further, not understanding. I reach out for his sleeve. Then he sees the miko and excuses himself.  
  
Past my room, Suboshi's. his room always in a mess. Clothes all over the floor, an upturned chair, scattered cups broken, eugh. I'm glad I'm not him. The boy is nowhere. Suddenly he shouts hi! And squeezes me in a tight hug. Lucky my boots are heavy enough to hold me steadfast. I smile faintly, turning to face him.  
  
His surprise dissipates after a bit and, "Are you free?"  
  
"I guess."  
  
"Good! Let's go see the birds and catch us some fish!" Well all right, though it is way too early.  
  
We don't catch any fish by midday and the sun's getting unbearable. My opera cloak is stiffening with perpiration, skin going wet and my paint will run. "Suboshi I feel awful. I'm going into shade now." I don't wait for a reply and hurry there. It takes only a few minutes to perfect the paint, especially the blue. I sense him staring. "Naniyo?"  
  
"Tomo san last night you were not painted. You look bishounen. Why do you bother so much about it now?" he gestures at my gear. He's right in a way.  
  
"None of your business."  
  
"Yeah but you are good-looking. I'm not lying to you at all." A sweet young thing, but a pity he has lost a brother. I understand how it feels, no it makes me nauseous! ---- to remember the feeling of loss and pain. I won't think about it!  
  
"Arigatou. Um did you get a fish?"  
  
"Yep. While you were painting, I got a huge trout! Deelicious." He brings it out of the net, splashing its tail onto me. The horror! The smell is overpowering! I open my mouth. Suboshi backs away. 


	2. Consolation

I TURN TO YOU---------------TWO  
  
You were my strength when I was weak  
  
Were my voice when I couldn't speak  
  
From the original song by Celine Dion  
  
[TOMO]  
  
"It's okay." I'm surprised at myself. Normally I would be mad at untidy, careless people. I wouldn't stop at this remark. The cheek and audacity, my inner voice starts up and I hush it. "Don't worry about it. It's so hot anyways, it can dry." I am definitely going crazy. Suboshi explains my fish are smaller, but they will taste sweeter. He has made a small fire and is roasting them.  
  
I feel like someone has finally understood me for my own self. Purely that sake. Accepted me. he did praise me, which makes up for what that bitch utters half the time! I want to tell him how nice he is, how grateful I am, but it's too embarrassing. Instead I listen nodding at the right places while Suboshi explains how to use the reeds to tie fishing lines. I find it quite fun to do this. I get it right the second time. The sadness comes back when lapses of silence return.  
  
"Suboshi, don't pretend."  
  
"What?" he asks defensively  
  
"That you're happy. Your aniki was a good man, a fine musician." Tears fill his eyes to my dismay. No I didn't mean to make you cry,  
  
"Please it's ok. Don't." I urge, reaching for his shoulder. He turns away and sobs. "Don't---------don't aniki would be, it's his wish for me to be happy for him! He wouldn't hurt my feelings. Why did he die? Why why why?"  
  
Hesitantly and wondering if he will get annoyed like I do, I hug him against myself with an arm. He sniffles, accepting my comfort. Just being there for him, his aniki would have wanted this. I feel happier at the thought. The suzakus will pay dearly for their crime. Nakago sama knew Amiboshi was pushed into the raging river. They had let him die.  
  
"Tomo," he is husky, blinking more tears away and glancing up "They killed Aniki?"  
  
"Um-hm they pushed him off the crumbling wall and stared unblinkingly as he was washed away." The boy's face contorts into a wail and anger flashes in the bright blue eyes. His voice raised he yells "I'LL KILL THEM THIS INSTANT! THE BLOODY FUCKERS! I WILL AVENGE ANIKI!"  
  
[SOI]  
  
I wonder where the brat has gone. It must be him who has taken my favourite mirror. But I don't blame him. He's been so depressed and quiet for the past few days. So's Tomo the okama freak and that's nothing unusual. The man has a lot of airs I'm uncomfortable with! The masks, the cynicalities, the elaborations. I hate these. I mean I'm sad too but you don't see me wearing funny costumes. He acts as if he were Nakago himself!  
  
I didn't mean to barge in that day. Just went right in, on him removing his cloak, stripping down to nakedness. His shin lay open on the table. I was so fascinated by the curves and effeminity of his form I had forgotten about knocking or asking for permission. He turned his plain face towards me, immediately snapping I was some busybody, unruly, idiotic, damned prostitute in seventh hell. Talk about rudeness, I haven't called him more than clown and freak yet! My ability to charm men means I am able to manipulate chi by sleeping with another person, and it is practiced during bed times, but not because I'm happy to do that.  
  
"Have a good mind to kick your ass! Stop raving for once and Listen! Thanks for the ride you gave me when my boot broke." The goldens glinted harshly. He went on, without listening to me it seemed, with arguments on how illmannered I was behaving and so on, and how much he disliked me. That said, the clown returned to his mirror and touched his bare face as if checking for my contamination.  
  
Someone bumps into me, his clothes dirty with wet snork and tears, and stops, rubbing his eyes.  
  
"What is it, Shunchan? You need a shower, come I'll take you," I welcome him, ushering him to the stalls. Nakago smirks. Yui is conversing with Ashitare and Miboshi. The only human ones are me and Nakago and the twins. The others are mentally disoriented and need guidance. We can---------never be like the Suzakus in their unity right? It is so sad.  
  
"The bloody fucks! I damn them to hell! I will never forgive them! Not in myother lifetimes too!" he shouts, facing me.  
  
"Suboshi what are you talking about? What and who?" I shake him.  
  
"They killed him, they killed aniki. Isn't it right? Nakago said so," Shunkaku in a soft and tired voice.  
  
"Naniyo? Who told you that?"  
  
"Tomo san. And he's right,I should go and kill the assholes1 they deserve nothing but a horrible death worse than hell!"  
  
"Wait wait, you cannot! You ain't strong enough, you'll only die too!"  
  
"I don't care at all! Let me go, hanase! Hanase! I want to join my brother. He's lonely there! You all never understand me! Not how I feel. I hate you!" I stop the okama. He looks more friendly today and I regret havingto be frank now.  
  
"Yes what may I help you with?"  
  
"HOW dare you put revenge into Suboshi's head? He almost got killed when he suicided into Tamahome's family! Do you know I went to rescue him? No, right? Vain and selfcentred user. You're just using Suboshi to help your glorious plans to rise to Nakago's favour!" I throw at him. "And why don't you op en that clam mouth and Speak in your own defence?"  
  
"Step aside, Soi. I'm on urgent business." He looks behind me, anxiously.  
  
"Answer me this, why did you put revenge into his head?"  
  
"I didn't. He was Bent on that long ago.," the okama replies calmly, Iceprince tone. I colour. Damn my mouth, always wagging freely without caring what happens else! Why do I make this error in front of Tomo? "Suboshi why did you-------- I thought-----------"  
  
"You will never understand me! Leave me alone!" we call to him, Tomo going after him. Yui intercepts him, slaps his face and snaps: ' don't make a ruckus. We need to do more important stuff!' I really hate the girl then. She orders me to stay. I ignore her and move on, coz I have chores to do. I feel sorry for the poor boy, he didn't recover from his aniki's disappearance then. I'm glad I never had to lose such a close link with anyone.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Tomo."  
  
"Hai come in Soi," he speaks, wiping away the last white patch on his left cheek. Underneath his eyes are tired. "What do you want?"  
  
I straighten my phrases out, carefully rehearsed. "Sorry. I accused you about the thing. Just now, Suboshi said----like it was you who------- and I thought. He never lies,"  
  
"Umhm, he's very distraught over Amiboshi. I wish I hadn't told him those facts. It should be only with us, the damage is done."  
  
I start thinking and move closer. Tomo looks up, meeting my gaze. My curiosity is paid in, and I'm rewarded by a slight serenity on the latter's face. "Are--------are you sure Nakago told you about the incident? I'm not sure the Suzakus are the type to kill people. They're not warriors. "  
  
"It isn't true? I'm not sure either, he did tell me, yes. In the exact words." Next step, I carress his shiny locks, flowing over one shoulder secured by a thin rubber band. It smells fragrant. I forget and breathe in the scent, smiling.  
  
"What are you so happy about oh my hair... I used the new formula, olive shampoo. It does wonders, making it shine. I could let you have a sample," he replies generously. I'm touched and keep my clumsy dirt hands away. Tomo seems tired out. Is he sick?  
  
"Thank you, I will." He hands me a halfused bottle. I sniff at the formulae. He laughs gently, happily. The man moves to is bed and lies down on his back. "Why are you being so nice to me? And me too, normally we would be quarreling after a few minutes of civilized behaviour?"  
  
"Look there. Do you see our star patterns, Soi? Nakago's, yours and mine. They're perfect up there. You and me and right next to each other, Scorpious and Libra." I trace the patterns with the help of his index finger. Tomo closes his eyes and sighs. Suddenly I'm all worried and I touch his brow to make sure. He wakes up. I'm embarrassed.  
  
"Hey go to sleep. We've got an expedition tomorrow. Let's bring Suboshi, then he won't think too much. It won't be dangerous, coz it's just to check out the place as to [here he frowns to recall] make sure we can set camp there. Xinjiang."  
  
"What time?"  
  
"Six o'clock don't be late. Courtyard." I agree and clutching the shampoo, run off to bed.  
  
[SUBOSHI]  
  
I don't ever want to wake up. Aniki and me are so close together! I have almost asked him where he is when I feel shaking. No, no I don't want to move yet! Sleep, sleep, Golden eyes blink as I come round, yawning.  
  
"What? Must I? It's only just past six."  
  
"Yes. You're coming with us. We're going on a mission." I jump up mimicking the action. Sound effects to accompany the swords clanging. Tomo laughs. "Okay that's it. We' re late. C'mon!" I feel very happy walking beside Tomo, tall and imposing. He doesn't mind that he's taking me out, me the baby! When aniki was gone, I'm the youngest left and they leave me at home here to babysit. Maybe I'm dreaming. Am I dreaming? Tomo squeezes my shoulder. The horses and Soi. She stops looking grumpy. A glance is exhchanged.  
  
I read it as don't-not-in-front-of-the-kid. Don't squabble, don't fight? Aniki, peace always works. If only you will tell me that now. Will you miss me as much as I do now?  
  
Now we're over open grassland. I'm behind Tomo and Soi, my stupid horse doesn't want to move faster, though I've kicked him hard. Then I feel sorry and apologise. He whinnies, cantering so I catch up. Then I sense the bloodthirsty chi. Tomo tells us to get ready, opening shin, lashing its vines and crushing a monster creature. It's dripping green blood hanging its jaws open on the floor. The full fight begins now. Soi strikes some of them with a lightning bolt, and summons a storm covering us. Lightning streaks down beside us, avoiding is and killing the horrors with a smell of burnt flesh. I lash out with my ryuuseisui, calling upon each round metal with ease. In addition we also use our swords and knives. The air is heavy with groans, panting, stinking blood. Then the soldiers of darkness stop forming. Arrows come. I jump off my horse, and I crumbles beside me. I'm feeling light headed.  
  
Soi is panting, her fingers smoking. A few of those archers are down, and more are returning fire. I collapse and draw breath. Then a black hand reaches for my face. I slash at it. Arrows rain down. From all directions. I look up.  
  
"Tomo! Tomo san! damnit!" her voice is loud. I stagger towards them.  
  
Tomo gasps, an arrow sticking out between his shoulders, the tip stained with blood, and has penetrated through his back. 


	3. Angst and blood

I TURN TO YOU 3  
  
[SUBOSHI]  
  
Tomo's headdress falls off, and it's in slow motion. I am too stunned. It's like he has died but it is deliberately unreal. I'm still gaping, tired out and dizzy. I have lost my energy. Soi catches hold of him avoiding the arrow. He shivers, sweat plastering his painted face smearing already. His neck which is unpainted is damp and shiny. Soi winces as she helps him away from the horse, which is already dying. It thuds.  
  
The blood soaks through his black garment, and spreads upwards. The weapon of choice causing his agony is making Tomo gasp and gasp and he can't speak. I take hold of his shoulder. Soi intended for him to lie down, but he asks for the thing to be removed.  
  
"Poi-son." I feel him brace against me, when she counts to three and yanks it out, he screams jerking up. He falls back leaning heavily on me, nails raking up the grass. "I'll go look for some bandages. And get help. Subochan stay here."  
  
I'm worried about the seishi. He is gasping hard, and periodically slips away, and I have to call his name and shake him till he wakes again. I help to press against the bleeding wound. "Are-----are we alone? Tell--- tell Soi to be---care-ful--------I'm injured----------don't add on...." I nod asking him to stay quiet, save strength for until he's better. I wish I can hug him and relief his pain myself.  
  
Tomo relaxes and his hand loosens. "Tomo! Tomo! Don't die! Come on! Wake up!" I'm yelling into his ear, holding his form upwards so that he's lying on my shoulder. He's extremely heavy. He moans softly. "Hang on. Hang on. Okay, help is on the way. It'll be very fast. It will be so fast and then you can sleep. Not now, all right? Not now. It's too dangerous to sleep now."  
  
Golden eyes blink groggily. He starts gasping again, even though it sounds unpleasant it's better than if there's no sound at all. I cannot let him die! To allow that would be the same as saying I'm a sinner and a killer. It's okay to talk to him about stuff. But all I can think of is what is his past-time and I don't think he can answer that, in a dazed state. He was so nice too yesterday, though I had embarrassed him. And I had said he was fucker. What if he dies and it's all gone?  
  
"I don't mean Tomo. I didn't call you to fuck off. Don't mean it."  
  
Maybe you're dying now because of my curse. The smeared face moves. His lips shiver and open once more, he draws some breath. I hug him close, stroking his hair. "Subochan-------I'm so cold. Am I going to die?" Strangely Tomo san sounds like a child now, whining. It is a bad omen. Tomo coughs, trembling. His hand feels cold. I reassure him. He starts in disbelief. "I am- or is it raining? Snow. Snow is white, falling upon us like------ like crystals. Ne, am I right?"  
  
"Tomo you're scaring me, no it's not snowing it's not. You're just weak from loss of blood. When help comes you'll be better. Imagine the bed you will lie on afterwards! Hang on. Look wait, storks! Storks are coming." I twist about casting for a flock heading west.  
  
"Aniki loved them very much. They bring luck, ne Tomo san? Stay up. Maybe there are more of them. Look!" I cry, shaking him once more. He smiles weakly, blood seeping out from his mouth. I bite my lip, short of saying how awful he's like, bloody and shivering ever now and then. He coughs turning to the side and vomits on the grass. Each breath is harsh and piercing. I stroke his back.  
  
[TOMO]  
  
The poor child! Should not be seeing me like this. I reach out a feeble hand, despite the pain and tiredness, and touch his face. I can't reach and touch his chest instead. "Don't worry. I'm fine now--------- it's still earth right? I see---them. They're very pretty. And graceful--------have you seen how they move?"  
  
He sniffs, looking up from crying. And he nods still telling me to hang on. I have heard it too many times. It's a broken record and mike going off in my ear. I drift in and out of fever and weakness, hanging on with all my life. I must not die. His aniki had died. If I die, I will just scare Suboshi again. Help me, help me God. Don't let me go yet.  
  
Then Suboshi said he'd better get us to some shade. I am so feeble that I fall several times and finally I faint down on the grass, smelling its fragrance. He calls my name. flipping me over on my back. He's apologetic. I cannot breathe properly any more.  
  
I am so sleepy. It's okay now, I think help is coming. My vision turns black. I feel hands hold me close. Blue eyes. Like Nakago? Like Seiryuu. It glows so brightly. "TOMO!" 


	4. Tomo wakes up

I TURN TO YOU 4  
  
It's never too late, in fiction or in life, to revise. [Nancy Thayer]  
  
[TOMO]  
  
I regain consciousness feeling wetness carress my burning forehead. And my face. Blurred vision. Where, where is this? It sounds familiar. "You're awake, Tomosan! Your fever was so high that you could not even get up to do simple things. It was difficult getting you to the toilet. The physician used to farm, lucky he was strong enough to get you there! I almost fainted from the stench. It's good you've woken up. Oh your belongings have been rescued. The horse didn't run away."  
  
Me troubling them? Shame fills me and I want to say something but a husk replies. They touch me some more with the cloth. I relax back on the hard pillows, slowly aware of the smell that's a tad different from my own. The feeling's mutual-------- they're pleased I'm better and I am safe. Nothing seems more important than to sleep more.  
  
I think it's been two days. I call Suboshi, how terrible my voice sounds, far from the strong embodiment I'm usually speaking as. He comes over. Funny how flat a person looks against the ceiling. "I-------want to------ sit------up."  
  
"You shouldn't be."  
  
"Thirsty." I cough some, while he props me up and the pain's coming on dull and throbbing. I recall my injury as being hit by something? Not sure what. My upper body is stark naked, and white cloth is wrapped protectively around one area. I touch the centre, pinkish, Suboshi holds a waterskin to my lips and also nudges my hand away. I drink hungrily.  
  
"It's very cool. What?"  
  
"Spring water. Nice right?" he replies, smiling shortly, seated himself by my side. "Glad you're awake. You had lost so much blood.... and I was damn scared. I had sweated buckets! Seeing you faint was horrible, like you were gonna die. Must have been weaker than I expected. You should have seen Soi's face, and I think she cried. ...and Tomosan I am sorry I called you to fuck off. Didn't mean it. If you think it's all my fault you're right. Really."  
  
I nod noticing I've trimmed my nails. They must have done that so I wouldn't scratch anyone. "What happened then? How did you get here. who are they?" It's a very kind couple, a physician who happened to be nearby grabbing herbs. He carried me to his carriage and rode here. I was out like a broken lantern. Soi's so nice and I never saw it in her. I feel bad for making her worry. She was That concerned about me.  
  
I turn away. "Suboshi, arigatou. Were it not for you I wouldn't still be alive now." My eyes get hot. I control my urge to cry. He presses against me, nani? He's giving me a-------a hug! All my life I have longed for someone to give me this.. Suboshi. My arm touches his back gently, afraid to squeeze him too hard or he will run away. He sighs in contentment.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
[SOI]  
  
How relieved I am to see Tomosan awake but quite pale. Although we gave him plenty of nutritious stuff to drink and fed him as he was in fever, he's still .... ah, maybe I can give him chi. I wonder if he will protest. At the moment Suboshi screamed, I had this omen dawning. I rushed the physician, and Tomo was lying there white despite his paint, bleeding ulcerously. The wound was gross. He had almost stopped his heartbeat. I felt so rotten. And regretted instantly all my quarrels, doubting my first aid skills. I couldn't stop crying.  
  
Partly my fault too, I should have seen them flying arrows. Tomo was watching out for Suboshi. We shouldn't have let him come... now it's too late to think about that I guess. I hope Tomo gets well and fights the poison. He has been so brave not making a sound till the arrow was out.  
  
"Hi Soi," said guy greets me, propped up on his chest is Suboshi fast asleep. The dark rings under the boy's eyes are smudging so much. I should have taken more shifts. But he insisted.  
  
"Hey. So friendly, Tomo."  
  
"Our constellations are right next to each other. Um------ thank you so much. I owe you my. a big favour."  
  
I raise my eyebrow sitting at the edge of his bed. His metallic waterfall style locks hang over his visage in wisps sticking together, some harshly squashed to the pillow. His body is sheening perspiration. I wet a towel and rub down his face and forehead. Temperature is back to normal. I get Suboshi to a chair. And remove my robe.  
  
Golden orbs widen and dilate as I approach him and start to push him down. "Nani Soi? This is--------"  
  
"Soi listen. I, I won't accept your ki. Stop this, don't waste energy.." I lie atop him and cover his lips, blowing ki into the mouth. Gasps accelerate quickly then his chest stops rising and falling irregularly. I pass my special strength into his form. My lips press his soft lusciousness. Tomo's fingers poised near my shoulder slides off. He breaths in deep. An hour later I get up drained.  
  
It's worth it, the man doesn't look so exhausted. His cheeks are flushed a healthy hue. Tomo snores. So does the boy. Then.. Suboshi grins pointing to my bare body. I tighten the towel. He must have seen it, but hopefully not all.  
  
"He will be better soon, right oneechan?"  
  
"Lots of rest. Yep. At least two more weeks, Tomosan is now sleeping well. I have managed to draw out some poison. The blood is contaminated though.. I'll have to write to Nakago sama to inform him of the latest."  
  
Tomo flushes when I check on him again next morning. "Let me see."  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Please."  
  
"I told you I asked you specifically not to..touch me. how can you not respect my wishes??" he sputters catlike and aggressive. His arms whip out over his wound, and blankets tighten.  
  
"You were so weak Tomo. How can I not help you seeing you die? Is that what you'd have me, fine. I won't disturb you. Rest," I start to depart.  
  
"Why did you kiss me? Bochu doesn't have to depend on that skill. You just need to meditate on the person. Wait! How long has it been?"  
  
"Two weeks. Suboshi sleeps and I take over[as he plies these queries in succession] every three hours. We forcefed you to make sure your fever was down." He drops the bedclothes allowing me to replace a new roll of bandage over the stained one. I tug off the dirty bandage. The pus smell comes up, not to worry I will just wash it away with warm water. The wife of the doctor comes in with another basin of cool water. Tomo smiles and thanks her as well.  
  
"It hurts much less now."  
  
He's so friendly now I might chance another question, "How old are you really? Smaller than the two of us."  
  
"Twentytwo. You?"  
  
Tomo praises me on my maturity and ability to handle this emergency so well. He couldn't believe this from me his rival, albeit I have saved him from death. I start to cry. He touches my face, a benevolent expression on the youthful face.  
  
"Don't cry. Why are you"  
  
"I'm just----just happy."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
[SUBOSHI]  
  
While Tomo is recovering I'm making my plans. Tamahome, I'll be sure tp crack his head. Tasuki is another burden on the group. He will be difficult. I close my eyes remembering Aniki's sweet face telling me he will return. He hasn't all because of them! I miss you so much.  
  
"Suboshi come. I want to see the scenery outside."  
  
"Tomosan, that better?" He scrunches up his face and thanks me when he's sitting up. I arrange the pillow more comfortably behind his head.  
  
"So anything to talk about? It's unhealthy to bottle up your felings."  
  
"Just.. Look! How bright the sun is. And do you hear the birds singing? Get well soon."  
  
"My stomach isn't letting up today. We could talk. Don't be afraid to speak up."  
  
Thank you Tomo for being so nice. But you'd never understandhow it feels to lose anyone, not like me. not someone close I bet. "Suboshi you look sad at times. I know, I know you're not happy. It isn't easy to get over someone close to you. It's wrong to right? Wrong to forget. Amiboshi left you. Let's not pretend."  
  
He mentions our Yuisama, that she's a replacement for Aniki. It hurts, it hurts too much. "STOP!--------not Yui or my bro.. they're mine. They're mine.." I choke now. The hurt seethes into the place where my chest should not be in pin anymore, but I'm wrong. It does burst my heart reiterately. Rubbing the thorns where the pain is most.  
  
Why did she slap you?  
  
I don't know. She hates me I guess.  
  
I do not blame you. It's hard to be rational when the grief overwhelms. You blame us for not being able to stop this tragedy. We're helpless too. Suboshi allow me to console you. Aniki, your aniki would want us to care about you.  
  
Tomo sniffs, rubbing at his eyes. Wet trails down his cheeks. "You'd not get it," I speak sounding cruel, extremely cruel.  
  
"How can you say that? You, you know nothing about me! Or my past! My friends died in front of me. Of course I understand. I would, more than anyone!" Tomo's voice cracks here. He's trembling, holding the blankets to his face and he's crying. Stabs of breath. I lean my head on the wall, pounding it angrily. Stupid! Baka! Baka, he was trying to.. He was trying to get close to me. and I said the bloody wrong thing again! Baka! Hot breaths pause here. Tomo informs me to look. there's a big rainbow near his window.  
  
Tears come again when I look outside and the colours blur into focus and out. The heat of the afternoon is seeping into me now. I never knew how much it hurts to accept Aniki is dead. Gone for good. He's just like this invisible presence, this temporary rainbow in spirit. He's gone. He's a memory. I don't want to accept this. Do I have to now? Do I really have to?  
  
Seiryuu I told you to let him alone. Why don't you listen? 


	5. Friends! Then a letter arrives

FIVE: If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, do it too. [Dalai Lama]  
  
TOMO  
  
Lee, Mara, Kai. We were all in the troupe together. I had a relationship. So close and I still don't understand why those people had to persecute us. We were so young, younger than I don't know, twelve, thirteen. I didn't die because Shin saved me. she saved me and I should have tried to--------- or was it my cowardice?  
  
The thud of bodies were not easy to recover from. And as Lee convulsed blood leaking out from his mouth, I cried. So stunned that as they dragged me away, I did not realize other stuff. What they did to me, until later. Hands to my shoulders. Firm grip. Brown blue eyes blink. Soi?  
  
"I was reminiscing about.the past."  
  
"The past?" she echoes, holding the boy to her, looking so much like an image of a mother figure. I dab my tears away. Tomo you're a shichiseishi, you're strong. Not like this weakling Chuin. Not the past. Put it behind!  
  
I can't help it right? I'm the master of illusion, illusion helps you forget. Illusion and fantasy the same thing. "I would create this dreamlike world. With my close friends. But they're not here. It cannot go on forever. I tend to forget." I am hollow and drained. Tears come once more. I am so sad. I cannot help it. I don't want to cry. Yet.  
  
"That's terrible Tomosan. They must have died in another war?"  
  
"Of course they did! Why else would I be crying?" I am annoyed. Is she so dense she cannot even sense?  
  
"Sorry. I had no idea, Tomo." Her hands firmly grasp my shoulder when I lie back down, tired out.  
  
"Suboshi, I have an idea. I do, understand how Aniki loves you. Life is unfair," I talk to his head pressed into Soi's chest like a cannon. He shakes. Soi suggests that maybe Seiryuu wants us to lean on each other. He arranges everything from the moment we're born, so we can depend on each other. And buildup a unit impossible to break loose, duh! Isn't it like being a Suzaku?  
  
"I had a hard time too. I was a prostitute for a lot of inns. This, doesn't compare to you guys suffering. But not what I wanted. None of us wanted any bad stuff happening. We should be friends. We can make this thing together, no matter how many obstacles Seiryuu throws at us." She squeezes my fingers tightly. I cover hers with my other hand.  
  
"Subochan, forget what happened? Not your aniki but the loss of aniki. He will be in a safe place and you can call him when you need to right?" I speak gently, uncharacteristic from my coldness. We hold hands for this frozen time. "Nakagosama."  
  
I remember we have been here for a long time. "I've written a lette. No reply yet though."  
  
Does Nakago pray for us? Pray for our safety? He does care about us. He will. I won't lose faith in that thought. It was what swam me to shore when I was in the worst situations.  
  
"What is it Tomosan?" Suboshi asks me.  
  
"Nakago. How stupid of me, how ironic. You are infatuated with Yui, and I chide you for.. as I am with Nakago." I glance at Soi nowing she feels the same way. Suboshi laughs his first bitter laugh.  
  
"Tomo get well soon."  
  
"I cannot wait. Then we'll all go home."  
  
[SUBOSHI]  
  
Tomo insists he's going to walk outside today with only me as support. The physician declines our money but Soi insisted. He let us board up for three weeks, including medicine, food, clothes. The delay was because of the patient who'd relapsed into high fever and was too delirious to move. Tomo san just recovered last evening, asking to get up. He must be anxious to see Nakago. We asked him to be careful. Another fall would be jarring.  
  
"Stay here. Don't help me," his tone draws me. Tomo in loose green shift, boundup hair[ coz his wound hurts too much for him to wear his jing cloak] steps forth walking to the well. And back again. On the second trip Tomo is held by Soi.  
  
"Am fine! Stop being so fussy! I can manage!"  
  
She is firmly steadying his walk. His breathing is labored, the posture far from straight. "Isn't she nuts? I told you."  
  
Don't listen to him, Soi warns. "We made a vow. When you're injured we don't stand back and do nothing. How can you be mad at me? It's ridiculous."  
  
"I have forgotten. It doesn't hurt too much now." Sulky note.  
  
I tell him to go indoors as he's panting slightly. The man considers. "No let's sit under the apple tree there. I need more fresh outdoor air." He turns and heads in that direction, brisk but favouring his stomach. He presses the spot. I'm beginning to like my new friends. My aniki had been present I had forgotten to mix around. Tomo's soft inside and can be nice when he's stopped his cynicality. Si always takes care of me now. The thought nags me, Nakago has not replied.  
  
"Why do you look so troubled?"  
  
"Yeah tell. Your words will not leave without your permission. We're your brother and sister," Tomosan is lighter in tone. He raises one eyebrow.  
  
"How did you do that?"  
  
"This..... was my special skill. Lee my best friend liked that. He always felt my voice was good too, we planned....." He sounds soft and sad. In his fevered state he had called them the most, especially this guy. The poison attacked with a vengeance, hurling him into dark hour. He scarcely ate and hallucinated that we were them. I stroked his forehead. He beseeched us not to leave him alone. A simple touch assured him to bring back a smile to his pale face. Lee was  
  
"My best friend. My lover. I'm gay," he continued this smoothly. How come we can read each other's thoughts more and more? A horse pulls up, its rider dismounting. He hurries. We prepare our seishi skills to protect the injured sei. He's tense with alertness.  
  
"Wait! Message from Nakago sama." Tomo who's now standing looks ready to collapse. Soi reads:  
  
[Come to the Seiryuu temle. On the western border. You should be able to when Tomo is well. We have the Shinzaho now. Here is a rough sketch. Come quickly. Nakago. ]  
  
The lady whoops taking it as a never- better moment. I don't know about this. Tomo smiles quietly, holding his side. Now that the letter comes, it does not take into account how pale and feeble my friend gets. We're not sure whether the poison will return and attack him most vulnerability.  
  
"Help me pack Suboshi. We'll need some food. Soi we'll meet there at the gates. Come." He frowns when I stand unmoving.  
  
"Your injury isn't healed totally. You need to..."  
  
"Don't worry. I will handle this. It's a couple of days. I'll take it easy after that. Come on." He does not protest when I steady his ambling walk down the hillside after Soi's running figure. 


	6. Journey & catharsis

CHAPTER 6 ------------ I TURN TO YOU  
  
You were my eyes when I couldn't see  
  
You gave me strength to believe  
  
You had faith when I didn't believe [from Celine Dion's song]  
  
Climb the mountains and receive their glad tidings.[John Muir]  
  
(Suboshi)  
  
I knew we shouldn't have started the journey today. There is little shade and I keep an eye out for my friend. He doesn't say a word, and I somehow know it's because of dignity. Tomo emphasizes so much on this concept. Don't be ashamed if you can help it. His horse is listless, sensing the dark mood.  
  
"All right, Tomosan?"  
  
"Hai." he smiles, plastered sweat and hair clinging to his neck. He's breathing huskily, an arm pressed to his stomach area. It must be a strain to stay upright. His hand reaches out to push his hair away, a look of pure determination in the tired face.  
  
"We can stop here now. I will tell Soi to stop." I jolt my steed forward until I get up beside her. She turns, perspiring a lot too. She looks at me questioningly. "We need a break. The horses are tired. We've been moving for ages. No shade."  
  
Tomo sucks in a shaky breath. Now he is more delicate in build in the harsh sunlight. I hope Soi has taken note of this. She dismounts calling a halt. He just got well, any unnecessary strain and he will collapse. This time it won't be so easy to get medicine.  
  
"Did I not say I am all right? You're deaf, Suboshi! I said I'm fine! We must keep moving," he rants indirectly at me, panting with every stab and his clothing is soaked wit blood once more. It's less than when we were ambushed. Soi helps him off. He's hunched over as he walks painfully to a tree. Grumbling more as the time passes to his concept of the word.  
  
"Suboshi get me some water. Let's get off that shirt now man. Careful."  
  
"OW! Damnit. Cannot you be more gentle?" Soi argues some more while she peels off the sodden shirt and examines the wet bandage. In this heat Tomo is still feeling cold. He coughs and shivers, folding arms about his thin figure. When I get back she has made him lie back and wipes his forehead with a spare cloth.  
  
"I did not mean to hurt your feelings just now. We are still friends right?"  
  
"Of course. Aniki told me sick and injured people get grumpy. It's perfectly normal. It is very hard to get medicine, so I figured you had better rest as much as possible. We'll still get to Nakago's in time. He should understand your injury isn't light."  
  
"Yeah at least you're being sensible," Soi replies wittily, tugging tight a knot around him. Tomo hisses, jerking away and shutting his eyes. We ease him back down after she has completed the new layer. The pinched childlike face turns to me after a bit. He seems like crying but not wanting to show it. I touch his head.  
  
"I was just hoping I could hang on before we got to Nakago's. The ceremony is important. We shouldn't disappoint him."  
  
"Rest. It wasn't your fault." The weariness changes to bitterness. Tomo laughs, gritting his teeth white and canine in the shadows. I am surprised. What's funny?  
  
"Not my fault? I should have known better. I'm the veteran, your senior, the oldest amongst you. I've made this mistake and now I can't even ride a bloody few hours without calling for break. I'm holding up all of you." He's hurting inside again. Why does our leader resort to such tactics? He also told me to get used to Aniki's untimely sacrifice. I didn't want to. As if it's so simple to push it aside like a normal civilian's death! Maybe he is using us?  
  
"Don't think that!" both my seniors chide at me, knocking me upside the head. Don't read my thoughts, then. I want to think what I like.  
  
"As if that's so easy. It's a gift we're ownership of now," Tomo sneers. "For your sake I will rest. Will you not move aside ? I don't want more bad luck to befall you. It will worsen the present situation."  
  
We both tell him it's not his fault. Does Tomo's hesitation convey gratitude or more humiliation? I don't know,his frown is half angry and half sad. He curls up like a foetus, preparing for sleep. The heat is sweltering, like African desert-country. 40 degrees and more. We might as well take the chance to sleep as much as possible and maybe try to wake up by dawn next day. Soi and me talk about trivial stuff, eating, food. We settle down to eat, with the illusionist tossing and turning on his bedroll. He murmurs something. I feel his forehead that's cool.  
  
Thank goodness. When I lie down to greet 'sleep tight' he's already in the thick of it, spread out flat on his back and his lips apart, respiration a little above the hot breeze.  
  
*******************  
  
(Soi)  
  
We're on the road again pointing out among other things, birds and scenery. Some of them are so kawaii. I wish I can hug both the guys and tell them I love them. Love?Equate Tomo? I must be crazy! Maybe they're like the oniichan and ototo I never saw.  
  
"How's the pain coming along?" I ride up beside him, touching his arm sticky and shining as mine is. He gives me an okay sign.  
  
"Your hair looks nice, don't brush it back."  
  
"What?"  
  
"A compliment," Suboshi quipps to me, both of them laughing. I am annoyed. How dare they not respect me? Still it IS a compliment, a rare one.  
  
"That's right, dumb girl. Catch up with me," Tomo digs into the horse's sides and gallops into the faroff distance. I cannot resist the urge to chase him. My pathetic horse though a male is supposed to run faster cannot close the gap. Tomo is smiling in a silly offguard manner as he pulls up and turns. He looks better now after the long nap. It turns out we overslept and only awoke the evening after next. He was making us soup when we finally came back after our long sleep hibernation, insisting that we eat more of the supplies. We gorged.  
  
"Oi! You left me behind twits. I won't call for a rest stop next time," the boy seishi grumbles drawing up to us. Tomo mockpouts at the boy.  
  
"I'm sincerely sorry. Forgive me ne?" femininely the ravenhaired youth gestures with a nasal voice, batting eyelashes. This time I'm not able to breathe until I've spent up the laughter. Tomo smiles, back to his normal self. Suboshi jumps off to grab a snack. We have two more days' supply at most. I start checking the map for symbols or landmarks. We're almost there, a mountain pass more.  
  
"Will you still put makeup on your face after that?"  
  
He considers frowning hard. Wisely.... "Nah. Unless you'd like me to."  
  
We both make retching sounds. "All right. I swear I will not cover makeup on my face due to violent protest. My honor on being a seiryuu seishi."  
  
Nakago sama do you miss us? When Tomo was sick we thought we had lost him. Did you feel the weakening chi and try to offer a little prayer? I am kind of tired fighting. Do we have to lose another person after Amiboshi? The cool air of Seiryuu beckons. We're here in the temple an old monastery abandoned for millions of years. I don't know how long more the structure can hold. Beside me the two boys are gazing around, with Amiboshi's brother supporting his arm as we walk on the cold cracked floor. Click clack click clack.  
  
The plod of footsteps surely and stably tell me it's Him. Tall and imposing, he nods at our presence. "Nakagosama! You have got the Shinzaho. It's great news," Tomo flourishes nervously and also flamboyantly, as he always does in nervousness. The man glares. He motions for me to make the necessary preps. I know Tomo is hurt. Nakago did not even ask about the extent of his injury and whether he needs more rest.  
  
"Tomo, you feel cold. Need to lie down?"  
  
"I'm dizzy. I need to sit down somewhere." He flops on the bed when we come into the room. Suboshi runs off to take a bath. I need one too. I check the injury, bleeding some but not too seriously. A white hand catches me.  
  
"Don't waste chi. We need all of it for the ceremony, Soi. Can you lend me your makeup box? I have to---------"  
  
Her solemnest resumed she rummages and throws me the box, Yes all the colors are there. Funny after almost a month of not wearing paint.  
  
[Tomo]  
  
"Do you love Nakago? And do anything for him?"  
  
"That ain't your problem." I detect the hitch in her voice. As I spread the white on my cheeks and brush the black and blue of honour and intelligence. What would Suboshi feel about thi broken vow? But I know I will not be able to cope without it... my strength ebbs away like an ache. Maybe I'm going to get a fever again and this time I won't make it. The process is complete with the buttoning of my cloak. The room blurs and I almost fall but for a firm grip.  
  
"And you say no need for chi?"  
  
"Don't waste it. It'll just be a while," I speak softly to disguise the anxiety and nervousness. The atmosphere is thick with omen. Yui is dressed up at the centre of the room. Suboshi releases me as we take up our individual positions. Without his presence I have to concentrate on not falling forward. He'd been annoyed about me painting my face. It was necessary, so I don't look like a ghost. Is that just a consolation to myself?  
  
Nakago orders me and Ashitare to the door. Enemy blood is closing in. the door is banged open. Tamahome,Tasuki, all of the gang minus Mitsukake charge in, relinquishing their weapons. I ready myself. Tasuki's magic fire grazes my arm. "Whoare you?"  
  
"Tomo Seiryuu seishi. Now go to hell." I summon waves of seawater to close over his head with shin. He goes underwater, crying out and struggling against the tides, futilely. The others, Tamahome first, lead the charge into our leader's chi barrier. Inside he is protecting Yui. Ashitare howls one last time, his paw missing Chiriko's body. How did he die? I instruct shin to worsen the pain my victim is in, and am met by the scholar's soft gaze. He seems to whisper, why are you doing this? Walking forward, his only weapon a leaf to his lips. I stare at him thinking what I should do to stop him. 


	7. Chiriko's advice and betrayal

I TURN TO YOU7  
  
No one heals by wounding another. {St Ambrose)  
  
[Tomo}  
  
"Yui, don't fall for the trap! Nakago is deceiving you!" Tama yelled, dodging Soi's attacks swiftly. My attention swayed, I did not feel the whack from behind. My wound started to throb and I fell to one knee, shin falling. A staff was levelled at my face.  
  
"Chichiri, at your service. Let him go now," he told me calmly, his shoes a simple design. That was the only thing I noticed, for my vision was tunnelling now, and I could hardly understand why. My wound had healed hadn't it? So why was I in such a bad state now? I turned to Chiriko. He looked very sad. It reminded me of someone familiar. I had no choice and commanded shin to release Tasuki.  
  
The victim lay beached out before me. I thought I would be killed, but Chichiri did nothing except help the choking and sputtering man to his feet. Tasuki raised his fan. Soi's lightning struck his fan away.  
  
"Fight me now, you coward!" she shouted, running back as the pair of them prepared a spell. I dragged myself to a corner, throwing up from the nausea. I noticed movement. Nakago was pulling Yui, a very confused child now, to a corner and remaking a chi barrier. He looked very worried. Tama and Hotohori were blasting at it with no effect.  
  
Soi was at the other end fending off Tasuki's kicks and punches. I marvelled at her agility, blocking these off. She glanced at me. I gave her an ok sign. Chiriko kept drawing closer and closer. I was puzzled as to why he held no weapon or malice in his position. He asked me,  
  
"Why are you fighting for Nakago? He is using you." Suboshi screamed something about his aniki, hurling his weapon at Tamahome. So Yui and our chief were alone again. My heart was pounding so hard though I couldn't get up. I felt like begging someone to stop this. Anything, so I could lie down and forget everything.  
  
"I don't know yet. Why do you not kill me now? You have your chance."  
  
"I cannot. You are my enemy. But we practise compassion, since you're hurt, just stay here. I cannot hurt you further. It is not the nature." The boy folded up his feet and sat beside me, blowing a soft tune eerily similar to Amiboshi's. I shivered. He laid his hand on my shoulder. The strength drawn from the tune seeped into me, trying to be gentle to this person not the same as their group. We are enemies. It does not make sense to heal a wounded person from another party.  
  
"I am not sure why he would use us. Tell me,"  
  
Chiriko was calm. I pondered, noticing how Nakago was shaking our miko now, seeming to have an urgency for something. Tamahome repeated, don't fall for it. Fall for? I took out a shin and directed a question, where were the shinzaho? At the shrine, where Yui was walking towards now.  
  
"I will give them to you. Until I figure out why, I had better give them to you." I concentrated and felt them materialize in my fingers. Chiriko smiled. He took my hand. My headache sharpened, oh no was this a trap? Chiriko was deceiving me? Nakago. was now speaking, "Don't let those fools stop you. Wish for world peace, for that you must give me the power. I will achieve world peace."  
  
No. I stood up, weakly walking to Soi. She held an injured arm, and Suboshi was protecting her. I conveyed to them shin's message, Chiriko holding the shinzaho. A figure materialized, grabbing his neck. He screamed. Miboshi laughed, aiming to stab a vine into his neck and his reflexes would be much too late.  
  
"You two will die!"  
  
"Not if I am here," I twisted my shell so it avoided Chiriko and hit the monk straight in the face. He was sucked in. I leaned against the wall, dizzy, but relieved. My friends were gaping. "Are you hurt?"  
  
"I'm fine now. We must not let Yui..." A blue light was emerging. Oh shit! The sacred objects glowed. Even away from the source Yui could wish... what do we do now? Nakago smiled evilly at us. Now I realized what this meant to him. He had gathered us together not to protect the miko, but to be distracting the others so he could lead Yui into fulfilling his wishes, not our wishes, his own! The glowing sign was on her forehead. This must be, she must have united with the Seiryuu God before we had even known. Otherwise she should not be.. Suboshi frowned at me.  
  
"What are you thinking, that Yuisama isn't"  
  
"Yeah Yui sama should not be obeying him and giving him power! Yui stop!" Now both of them rushed there and spoke hastily to Tamahome and Hotohori. Even with their combined effort his barrier could not be broken down. I closed my eyes. Did I, I asked myself, did I want this war to persist, killing more innocent lives? Coz I wanted to help Nakago, but I did not approve of this plan of world domination. How could he deceive us into doing these things? Why didn't he care about me?  
  
"Yui don't wish!"  
  
"Yuisama!"  
  
"Yui Miaka cares for you! Remember! Please," Hotohori yelled, piercing the shield and he was thrown backwards. The man whom we held as important gave us a smirk. I clenched my fist. Despite the shouts, she was still speaking, but a hesitant look was on her face. Soi stopped, panting.  
  
Suboshi! What was the lad doing------ he was using his ryuuseisui rope to wrap about Nakago's form.He was dragging him. Tamahome gaped. Tasuki lashed the man with his flames. The blond raised a hand and kiblasted each of the seishi. I called upon my power. He was stunned when a scene of Soi naked presented itself. Suboshi got up and shouted,"Where's my aniki? You must have killed him bastard!"  
  
"No, Suboshi, I am trying to kill him." I thought silently, sweating. The illusion was wavering. The Soi imposter shivered around its form, and misted in front of Nakago, who slammed Suboshi into the wall. The Suzakus couldn't move. Blood was everywhere.  
  
"Now you will pay."  
  
The boy was running away, Nakago charged up a ball of blue flame and aimed at me. I could do two things, step aside, or save both of us as Suboshi fell before me. His leg was broken. I pulled him up, and we staggered, avoiding it. The debris flew up in little pieces as the ball scooped up earth, granite, cement in its path. Zooming toward our delicate mortality.  
  
"Tomochan it hurts,"  
  
I did not want him to hurt any further. Neither did I want to die, I was scared. I didn't know what choices I had. Limited now. Chiriko said, said [it is not our nature to hurt] And Suboshi had always taken care of me.. "Get away you fool!" I shoved him away just as the blue light hit me.  
  
Liquid sploshed from me. Some voices of despair, and I connected with the ground. "NO!" Suboshi screamed, holding me. I tried to speak but no voice came. I closed my eyes, holding on to his shoulder as long as I could. Pain all over my body, and pain inside my abdomen. Ice and snow bit into my flesh.  
  
I'm sorry Suboshi. I cannot, I cannot be here any longer. Farewell. 


	8. Death's closeness

I TURN TO YOU8  
  
"Out of our brokenness, make us a blessing" [Judith L Brutz]  
  
[SUBOSHI]  
  
NO! What was happening? How, why where... my arm itched. I scratched at it, then noticed some watery ink materializing. Brother, ototo how are you? I am sorry I haven't come. Don't let Yui wish! I sense something horribly wrong. what is this pain? Aniki?  
  
Could it be him? But why now? Why did he come only now? I shook with cold, the ache from my leg absently pushing itself back. Tomo lay before me, his eyes closed although it should be a death so painful. Blood flowed from his still chest, his nose, mouth and stained his paint. His black hair which shone now sprawled out, dead. He is dead. My mind told me flatly.  
  
He cannot-------cannot be dead. A laugh echoed. "This is what I do to traitors."  
  
"Go to hell, bastard!" Soi hissed, shakily, flinging wild lightning bolts at him. He dodged ever blow. She fell beside me, panting, holding her side. She wanted to charge forth again, and I held her back. She pushed me aside.  
  
"What are you doing/ are you saying I should be letting this bastard go? I want to kill him!" she protested, scrubbing at her face wet with hot tears. I asked her to look at Tomo. Soi shook her head. I pulled him up and listened to his chest, sobbing. It was a faint, or was it my imagination? Tomo did not move.  
  
My friend is dead. Tomo who has been my best brother, replacement brother is dead. Why, why didn't I think, Think about that when he was alive! I should have pushed him, I should have blocked him. What is the use of aniki returning to us now? I want Tomosan back! "Give him back to me," I called weakly.  
  
"You fucking God of war, give him back to me! Don't kill him! Why are you killing your seishi? Why?" I shook his body, thorns stabbing into my chest where the blocks should be, hoping he would wake up. Wake up and hug me close. A wet hand pressed to my shoulder.  
  
"Tamahome, I think you're happy now right?"  
  
"Can you please get us some help? Tomo isn't dead,[ as I tried to say no] Tomo isn't! He's not until we check out his condition!" Soi spoke hoarsely to the Suaku. They gathered around us. Chichiri discussed something with Miaka's lover. He said he would get Amiboshi here.  
  
I kept looking at Tomo's fingers. They seemed to be moving, a little bit, just a little. He had to be okay. This was not real. Not real. I kissed his cheek, tasting the dried out sweat and paint mixed. His skin was still warm. Soi pressed her hands to his open wound and closed her eyes. I flinched when Chiriko took my arm. He indicated my foot.  
  
It made me want to sob again. Tomo would not have.. If I had been more agile. It was all my fault!  
  
[SOI}  
  
Wake up Tomo! I refuse to believe you're dead. Come back! We need you. I am healing you, you must respond! You MUST! You ain't dead!  
  
Not until I say so, and I give you permission to die! You are a good friend.. How can we do without you.. My exhaustion beckoned though I wasn't willing to stop. My body moaned. I had to stop giving energy. Tomo looked pitiful, haggard, and tired. I shook him, slapped him. My other companion cried, halting my hand halfway. The man's head lolled to the side. "You don't hit him! He's dead! We have to respect him."  
  
"I am sorry." I covered my face and lay down beside Tomo. Chichiri and Tasuki were checking his pulse. Suboshi said something softly. I saw the latter glance at me with compassion. I wished this nightmare would end.  
  
I felt a sweet tang. Suboshi's brother? He was here? A healer! His footsteps pounded the floor, and then he appeared followed by Tama. He collapsed beside us, and stroked Tomo's messy strands from his features. Then he blew a soft tune, building it up building into a familiar tune we all knew. I squeezed the man's still hand and fell asleep. Perhaps when I woke up we would be back on the road talking laughing and forgetting about horrible things.  
  
Maybe if I had noticed how exhausted he was before we began, I could have delayed the ceremony. I am so sorry Tomosan. I am so sorry I failed you. I want to tell you a lot of things, and mainly, that I like you. Why do you choose to die for us?  
  
The music got stronger and stronger. Heartbeats faster and faster, escalated. A sigh. Suboshi shouted 'you're alright'! then sobbing. I refused to let my heart die now, I screamed at him from inside my head, to get up. Don't be such a coward, Tomo. You ain't dead yet, I won't let you.  
  
{TOMO}  
  
Where am I? Darkness descending upon m. I could not see where I was standing. Then Nakago leered at me, the blue light, my hand shivered over the wound. How------how could he have killed me? I laughed bitterly to myself and walked forward.  
  
Voices. Mara? Lee? We hugged close and cried into each other's shoulders. "You guys, I missed you! Now I can stay,"  
  
Mara cocked her lovely redhead to one side, staring at me. "I hear something." I was busy still kissing my boyfriend, savoring the kiss of his embrace. I was here, dead but at least I had him. I love you.  
  
Voices outside calling my name. Tomo! Tomo! Come back! We need you. Suboshi needs you. I frowned. My hands shook again, and tears dripped down my visage. My unpainted visage. Why? I wanted to be with Lee, if I went back now...  
  
"Go now Chuin. Your place is with the mortals. We will see each other again." I reluctantly released Lee, as he faded out and Mara pointed in the pooling light gathering behind me. The boy I saved was echoeing down this tunnel. I stepped into it and felt the brightness burn me, no.. it was enveloping me. Seiryuu? His face smiled. He raised an arm and tapped my forehead. I couldn't hear his words.  
  
I coughed, red liquid clearing my throat. Suboshi and Soi, where was she? She patted my arm, laid down all her energies spent. Amiboshi grinned, dropping his flute and hugging me close. Actually I did not even know who was hugging me, all about. I stroked whom I thought was my mate's head and sighed.  
  
Blood collected on my robe. I rubbed my chin which had some dried blood and paint. I laughed at this, shakily. "I promised you I wouldn't paint my ace anymore right?" The ryuuseisui boy laughed too, squeezing me closely. I had made him sad and worried. The poor boy!  
  
The rest of the seishi gathered offered us a place with them as this was not for exhausted seishi. I sat up slowly. "It is alright. We will stay with Amiboshi. And thank you." Chiriko waved at me, hugging himself and the shinzaho. We were friends. It was a beautiful gift, that I had no friends but now I gained so many. It was a sweet reward. I almost fell until Suboshi stabilzed me. We could rest at long last! 


	9. epilogue

I turn to you, Nine Epilogue  
  
[Soi]  
  
"Thank you Soi-san. I haven't had the chance to say that," he remarks cheerfully from his seat on a wooden chair. He is not painted, and very pale but his wound will heal. Though I note critically it won't so soon. Tomo makes to stand up and bow to me, and I grab him. His knees shake, he's out of breath. His eyes speak more than gratitude.  
  
"I'm sorry. I worry you guys."  
  
"Daijobu kyougeki okama [opera freak]. I watched you die. Suddenly it didn't matter how much we didn't care for each other. But the memories..." I reply tearily. He smiles, sitting again, grasping me about the waist once before letting go. "and I wasted my chi for nothing."  
  
Tomo laughs, shaking back some soft hair. "Oi! How could you say that? I put in a lot of effort. I saw my friends. They were close." I feel new tears coming behind the old, understanding his dilemma though he hasn't elaborated. He could have stayed. I don't ask why he chose to come back here and face the anguish of being human. Now Nakago is gone we don't know if he will still try and dominate the world.  
  
"You're thinking about Nakago sama right? I couldn't believe he would hurt me."  
  
Suboshi or Amichan knocks. The warm bundle squeezes the opera singer and he squeals his happiness. Tomo pats his shoulder. "I know I know I am fine now ne. everything is fine now, Amichan. Why didn't you come back? We got so worried about you."  
  
The flutist explains his loss of temp memory as he was here in Makan. The parents saved him from the river and claimed him Kaika their lost dead son. It is such a coincidence. I talked to the couple before and they begged us not to go to war and endanger Kaika. I totally empathize with their worries. Maybe the time will come. Hopefully not now.  
  
"I am grateful Seiryuu gave us the chance to go together in this mission and realize how important having companions are in life. I sure don't know what I would do without my brothers. "Hey Soi, can we be sibs? For real," both the twins ask simultaneously. I nod winking at Tomo. He whacks one of them with his pillow. The fight starts. Me and Tomo versus the others whacking and throwing blankets, pillows, cloths and so on until we have noting left. I cannot stop laughing.  
  
We need the chance to be kids sometimes. When the stress is just too much it is okay to see the humour in little things like treasure your friends when they are around.  
  
[Kaika]  
  
Kaasan shakes her head, exclaiming at the mess we have made. She offers Tomo-san the forgetful potion so he will sleep and recuperate faster. "Thank you." She lays him down on the bed, brushing his hair. I don't mind sharing her with them, we once had the taste of being orphaned. It is great someone is gentle enough to act the role of nurturer. Tomo grins childishly and sleeps. My brother is helping to pick up the pillows. Soi lies down on another bed.  
  
It is the second day of their stay here, they came last evening and were sound, but that ain't enough. The weariness of using up your energy must be terribly taxing. I wonder how well we will get along. I haven't even spoken much to them other than how are you. That will wait. My brother settles on the floor. Kaasan and otousan kindly ask him to take their bed but that isn't very polite. Suboshi has matured so much when I wasn't there beside him. I wasn't a good brother to have worried him to bits. He pounded me on the nose and I think it is cracked right now. Hurts. Serves me right huh?  
  
I am scared Nakao will try something else. We have foiled his evil plans. When that comes there can be no more running away. We must stand firm and fight. Now with Tomo on our side it doesn't seem so bad. "Aniki?"  
  
"Yeah little one?"  
  
"what are you thinking? Let's just go to sleep. We have plenty to look forward to." I shrug, blow a soft tune on my new flute I thought up myself. I draw the comfort and tranquility. Subochan sighs, hugging himself. "You know Tomo-san was great to me when you were not around. He took care of me. he is nice. Don't worry he won't paint is face anymore, he promised."  
  
[Suboshi]  
  
"Tomo why did you save me? Did you want to die then?"  
  
"Hm, a good question. No. I was afraid of death. All of us are. Then I remembered your brother would blame me for not protecting you. And I wanted to see Lee again. and you'd be able to bury me . You a budding seishi, a grand honour."  
  
"But I wouldn't like to. I will feel sad." I lean on his shoulder.  
  
"Sweet thing, child. Shall we go out for a breath of air later? I'm claustrophobic!" He and I are like brothers. He also confided his loneliness wss a longterm thing. When he was little the boys teased and bashed him, so much he is afraid of rejection now. So he didn't dare to approach us and acted cool. In fact he was being hurt always whenever we got together. I hold his hand, patient till he stands up and we amble to the dining table. Soi touches our shoulders, bustling t the kitchen. Dinner will be ready soon.  
  
"Tomo-san you can be our brother. Aniki is happy. Aniki really likes you. You have no need to be lonely and depressed and hide from us."  
  
The man is so touched his hand trembles from gripping the chopsticks. Kaasan gives him some chicken. I am thinking how can people bear to harm Tomo? Chuin as he used to named.. He is so nice. I suppose I have a lot to learn from the adult world. You know when I was little, I used to feel that being big is hugely better, but I am wrong. So wrong. I don't know anything. If I had the power and men, I think I will protect this peaceful village as my goal. Then I will worry about other things. Soi and Tomo frown as this comes into their heads but no one says anything.  
  
"Obaasan, arigatou gozaimashita[thank you so much]. Unfortunately we will have to stay here for a while as we are homeless. Can we? We can help with the chores. The farm too?" Soi suggests, bowing slightly. Aniki's parents are happy and welcome to the idea.  
  
"We'll teach you. Meanwhile our son is going for the annual harvest festival. Would you be interested?" the father waves to Aniki. Aniki gives us a pleading gesture------ both hands clasped together .  
  
"But I'm not well yet. I need more rest."  
  
"It's all right, you can dance. I would like to dance, Tomosan." Death glare and the peace is forgotten. "Surely you cannot expect me to dance alone or with another stranger."  
  
I laugh. Tomo groans, realizing he will not have enough rest and covers his face. Aniki ads that we can go at night when it's cooler, maybe two nights later? "That's not fair. You didn't' discuss with me.." he argues.  
  
"Son how can you force your friend to go? I just talked about it?"  
  
"Father, it's better if we go as a group. The more the merrier!" Tomo scowls his handsome face changed. He chides me for not taking his side. We're kidding. Why does he have to be so serious?  
  
"He is oversensitive. Must whack him more," Soi teases, slapping his back.  
  
"OW! Idiot!" after squabbling, Tomo goes outside. I follow him, have we overdone it? The man looks really sad. I tell him it is alright if he doesn't want to go. He puts his arm about me. I look up.  
  
"I have to. Soi can't dance with some stranger. I have to take care of her. We all are friends. Friends' duty. Now our miko doesn't need us, this is what we should concentrate on. Sit." It is snug under the tree with the large branches and leaves forming the overhead covering. Tomo looks ahead, stoically, all emotion gone. Without the mask he still has all types of faces to his personality. One knee curled up, an arm about me, the other rubbing his wound, his hair bound up and falling about his shoulder.  
  
"Look Suboshi, some storks. They are beautiful. I think that's why I came back. Why I did not join the others. I haven't fully seen all of nature yet. One day we must right?" Yeah I cannot agree more. Life is so important, every minute as death comes, another child is born into the world.  
  
"Don't go away. Or it will be so hard to come back," I plead. The golden eyes blink so fast. Is he crying? More breeze, some other parrots. I won't understand him over night, nor Soi, nor any of the village people. We need to grow for that. To go through thick&thin. 


End file.
